"The National Enquirer caught former presidential candidate John Edwards sneaking out of his girlfriend's room at 2:40 in the morning. See, Edwards got caught 'cause the reporters were there waiting for him. They were in the hotel waiting for him. They knew he would be there. If Edwards didn't want to get caught, he should have met this woman at the hotel where John McCain was staying. There are no reporters." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson